Across our social and political landscape, the fractures of polarisation continue to deepen. In recent years, we’ve seen the country divided over Brexit, COVID, education, policing, immigration, and many other issues. Tribes form not just around ideas, but identities, fortified by misinformation, mistrust and fear. Many of us hold different views to our family, friends and colleagues, yet feel unsure how to voice them without causing conflict. Others find tension building in relationships because of clumsy or overheated conversations. In this climate, forming real and lasting relationships with people we disagree with can feel incredibly challenging.
At St Ethelburga’s, we believe another way is not only possible, but urgently needed. As reconcilers, we have spent years developing practices that help people stay in relationship across difference, practices rooted in deep listening, emotional resilience, and the courage to remain present when conversations get uncomfortable. Out of this work, and drawing on models of conflict resolution and bridge-building from around the world, we created LEAP IN: a simple, structured framework that helps people navigate difficult conversations with clarity, compassion and integrity.
This short course introduces the LEAP IN model and gives you the chance to practise it through real-life scenarios. Our hope is that it equips you to hold conversations that are more rooted, more spacious, and more capable of strengthening relationships even when disagreement remains.
The LEAP IN model is a structured communication framework for difficult conversations.
It stands for Listen, Empathise, Ask, Paraphrase, Input and Name.
It’s based on Dr. Xavier Amador and George J. Thompson’s LEAP’s model, and has been further developed by St Ethelburga’s team to include steps for asserting your own perspective, based on tried and tested conflict-resolution techniques. Each step helps keep the conversation respectful and constructive:
Give the speaker your full, undivided attention. Don’t interrupt or jump in with counter-arguments. Instead, use body language (nodding, eye-contact) and short acknowledgments (“mm-hmm”) to show you’re paying attention.
Acknowledge the other person’s feelings or point of view, even if you don’t agree. Say something that shows you understand how they feel. Empathising helps the other person feel heard, which lowers their defenses and keeps the dialogue open.
Invite the other person to explain more. Use open-ended questions (those that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”) to learn what’s really on their mind. For example: “What part of this issue concerns you most?” or “Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?” This shows genuine interest (you’re asking to understand) and encourages them to share the underlying values or fears behind their statements.Invite the other person to explain more. Use open-ended questions (those that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”) to show that you’re curious to learn more about their perspective. For example: “What part of this issue concerns you most?” or “Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?” This shows genuine interest (you’re asking to understand) and encourages them to share the underlying values or fears behind their statements.
After they speak, repeat back in your own words what you heard, to check understanding. This step (reflecting their message) not only confirms you’re listening, but also lets them correct you if you After they speak, repeat back in your own words what you heard, to check understanding. This step (reflecting their message) not only confirms you’re listening, but also lets them correct you if you misunderstood. Paraphrasing can sound like: “It sounds like …” or “You’re saying that …” – phrases that signal you are capturing their meaning.misunderstood. Paraphrasing can sound like: “It sounds like …” or “You’re saying that …” – phrases that signal you are capturing their meaning.
When it’s your turn to speak, frame your thoughts in terms of your own experience and feelings, not as a judgment on the other person. Using “I” rather than “you” keeps the tone personal and non-accusatory. Research shows that I-statements and expressing your perspective calmly greatly reduce defensiveness and hostility[4]. They convey “this is my view” rather than “you are wrong.”
Find and state something you both agree on. This might be a shared value, a mutual concern, or a common goal. By explicitly naming this point of agreement, you create a sense of connection and show that you’re listening. This step builds trust – reminding both of you that, despite differences, you’re not on opposite sides of everything. Instead of critiquing the other person’s view, explain how your opinion flows from a shared principle. This helps them hear your point as sincere and values-driven, rather than oppositional.
Together, these steps lead to more constructive and respectful conversations. You begin by listening and building empathy, then move to asking thoughtful questions and paraphrasing to show understanding. Once the other person feels heard, you introduce your own perspective using I-statements, linking your view to the values you both named and grounding it in shared principles.
In short: LEAP IN helps shift conversations from arguments to dialogue—by pairing active listening (Listen–Empathise–Ask–Paraphrase) with thoughtful expression (I-statement–Name–Ground).
Next, we invite you to put your LEAP IN skills into practice by engaging in an exercise that models how to have a conversation across differences. The exercise contains conversational scenarios exploring real issues that can often provoke strong opinions and emotional reactions.
To put your LEAP IN skills into practise, each scenario has a “Listening Practice” section (focusing on the Listen, Empathise, Ask, and Paraphrase steps of LEAP IN) and a “Speaking Practice” section (focusing on the Input, and Name steps of LEAP IN).
To make these exercises meaningful, the examples include well-reasoned and clearly expressed versions of opposing viewpoints. In some cases, these arguments may sound more balanced or articulate than you might encounter in real life - that’s intentional. The goal is to give you the chance to engage with a strong version of a perspective you might disagree with, while practising how to stay calm, curious, and connected in conversation
Below, you’ll see a range of topics that often prompt polarising responses. For each topic, we offer two perspectives. We suggest that you choose the scenario that feels closest to your own perspective.
Immigration is often politically contentious because it touches on issues of national identity, economic impact, and social cohesion. Some people argue that high levels of illegal immigration threaten cultural traditions and strain public services. Others are concerned about the safety and rights of illegal migrants and point out that many are fleeing war and persecution. Which side do you identify with more?
Click below to learn how to apply the LEAP IN framework when having a conversation with someone with the opposing view on immigration.
Start ScENARIOClick below to learn how to apply the LEAP IN framework when having a conversation with someone with the opposing view on immigration.
Start quizAn important note: In this quiz, we are looking for the best of the alternatives given. Some responses might be reasonable things to say, but one choice is usually the most skillful option for that moment in the conversation. Focus on whether the response reflects good LEAP IN communication skills — rather than whether you personally agree with it. For example, if an answer begins with “I can see that we both value…” remember it’s attempting to use a communication skill (naming shared values), even if you don’t personally share that view.
Context:
At a family gathering, the TV is on in the background playing a live debate show. A guest on the panel argues that more needs to be done to stop migrants crossing the English Channel illegally in small boats, describing the situation as “out of control.” Your uncle, who supports a tough approach to immigration, nods and says:“He’s right. We have to do something about all these illegal immigrants. It is out of control! There are tens of thousands of crossings every year. We don't know who these migrants are, where they come from or what their values are.
Your uncle is concerned about illegal immigration, and he starts by saying the situation is“out of control”. Based on LEAP IN skills, which response is the best example of listening, empathising and paraphrasing?
Not quite. Answer B is best.
This response paraphrases and acknowledges his concern (“you’re worried… out of control”), which shows active listening and empathy without judgment. It mirrors his words to confirm understanding. All the other choices either challenge or argue (“Where’s the evidence?”), which would likely put him on the defensive. By contrast, B signals, “I hear you,” helping him feel understood. When people feel heard, they are usually more open to continuing the conversation calmly.
Correct - Answer B is best.
This response paraphrases and acknowledges his concern (“you’re worried… out of control”), which shows active listening and empathy without judgment. It mirrors his words to confirm understanding. All the other choices either challenge or argue (“Where’s the evidence?”), which would likely put him on the defensive. By contrast, B signals, “I hear you,” helping him feel understood. When people feel heard, they are usually more open to continuing the conversation calmly.
Not quite. Answer B is best.
This response paraphrases and acknowledges his concern (“you’re worried… out of control”), which shows active listening and empathy without judgment. It mirrors his words to confirm understanding. All the other choices either challenge or argue (“Where’s the evidence?”), which would likely put him on the defensive. By contrast, B signals, “I hear you,” helping him feel understood. When people feel heard, they are usually more open to continuing the conversation calmly.
Not quite. Answer B is best.
This response paraphrases and acknowledges his concern (“you’re worried… out of control”), which shows active listening and empathy without judgment. It mirrors his words to confirm understanding. All the other choices either challenge or argue (“Where’s the evidence?”), which would likely put him on the defensive. By contrast, B signals, “I hear you,” helping him feel understood. When people feel heard, they are usually more open to continuing the conversation calmly.
Your uncle continues: “Exactly. From what I’ve seen, a lot of the people coming over have their own belief system - and that’s fair enough, but it clearly doesn’t match up with ours and they don’t do enough to integrate into the Western worldview. Multiculturalism only works if you have a well managed system. People need to be vetted - otherwise, it’s a huge security risk.”
You’ve been listening so far. What is the best open question to ask now?
Correct - Answer A is best.
First, you start by demonstrating again that you’re listening and that you empathise with his perspective. Then, you ask an open-ended question, without any criticism or judgement. This signals to your uncle that it is safe for him to share more of his perspective with you and invites him to explain his deeper concerns. Once he feels heard, you can later share your own perspective more effectively and look for shared values (for example, wanting fairness or safety for both migrants and UK citizens).
Not quite. Answer A is best.
First, you start by demonstrating again that you’re listening and that you empathise with his perspective. Then, you ask an open-ended question, without any criticism or judgement. This signals to your uncle that it is safe for him to share more of his perspective with you and invites him to explain his deeper concerns. Once he feels heard, you can later share your own perspective more effectively and look for shared values (for example, wanting fairness or safety for both migrants and UK citizens).
Not quite. Answer A is best.
First, you start by demonstrating again that you’re listening and that you empathise with his perspective. Then, you ask an open-ended question, without any criticism or judgement. This signals to your uncle that it is safe for him to share more of his perspective with you and invites him to explain his deeper concerns. Once he feels heard, you can later share your own perspective more effectively and look for shared values (for example, wanting fairness or safety for both migrants and UK citizens).
Not quite. Answer A is best.
First, you start by demonstrating again that you’re listening and that you empathise with his perspective. Then, you ask an open-ended question, without any criticism or judgement. This signals to your uncle that it is safe for him to share more of his perspective with you and invites him to explain his deeper concerns. Once he feels heard, you can later share your own perspective more effectively and look for shared values (for example, wanting fairness or safety for both migrants and UK citizens).
You’ve listened, empathised, asked, and paraphrased — now it’s time to practice offering your input, making sure you use I-statements and name your shared values.
You start to respond. Which of these is the best first statement to name where you agree?
Not quite. Answer D is best.
This statement names a shared concern — that you both care about making the country as safe as possible for all people. Starting with agreement shows respect and builds rapport. It communicates: “We share common values." Options A–C fail to follow the Name step of LEAP IN because they jump straight into stating facts or argumentation. By contrast, D begins with connection rather than correction. It helps your uncle feel heard and sets a constructive tone for the rest of the discussion.
Not quite. Answer D is best.
This statement names a shared concern — that you both care about making the country as safe as possible for all people. Starting with agreement shows respect and builds rapport. It communicates: “We share common values." Options A–C fail to follow the Name step of LEAP IN because they jump straight into stating facts or argumentation. By contrast, D begins with connection rather than correction. It helps your uncle feel heard and sets a constructive tone for the rest of the discussion.
Not quite. Answer D is best.
This statement names a shared concern — that you both care about making the country as safe as possible for all people. Starting with agreement shows respect and builds rapport. It communicates: “We share common values." Options A–C fail to follow the Name step of LEAP IN because they jump straight into stating facts or argumentation. By contrast, D begins with connection rather than correction. It helps your uncle feel heard and sets a constructive tone for the rest of the discussion.
Correct - Answer D is best.
This statement names a shared concern — that you both care about making the country as safe as possible for all people. Starting with agreement shows respect and builds rapport. It communicates: “We share common values." Options A–C fail to follow the Name step of LEAP IN because they jump straight into stating facts or argumentation. By contrast, D begins with connection rather than correction. It helps your uncle feel heard and sets a constructive tone for the rest of the discussion.
Having named your shared values, now it’s time to offer your input, making sure you use I-statements and that you ground what you say in the shared values you have identified.
Which is the best way to do that respectfully?
Not quite - Answer C is best.
C models the key skills of this stage - sharing your input using I-statements and naming your shared values. It begins by recognising the other person’s valid concern about safety (“I can understand there are real challenges…”) before offering a personal reflection rooted in fairness, security, and compassion. By mentioning friends affected by the issue, it brings sincerity and emotional depth without blaming or lecturing. This approach helps you to build genuine connection with your uncle, showing where your values align and framing the issue of security as something you both care about and could try to tackle together.
Not quite. Answer C is best.
C models the key skills of this stage - sharing your input using I-statements and naming your shared values. It begins by recognising the other person’s valid concern about safety (“I can understand there are real challenges…”) before offering a personal reflection rooted in fairness, security, and compassion. By mentioning friends affected by the issue, it brings sincerity and emotional depth without blaming or lecturing. This approach helps you to build genuine connection with your uncle, showing where your values align and framing the issue of security as something you both care about and could try to tackle together.
Correct - Answer C is best.
C models the key skills of this stage - sharing your input using I-statements and naming your shared values. It begins by recognising the other person’s valid concern about safety (“I can understand there are real challenges…”) before offering a personal reflection rooted in fairness, security, and compassion. By mentioning friends affected by the issue, it brings sincerity and emotional depth without blaming or lecturing. This approach helps you to build genuine connection with your uncle, showing where your values align and framing the issue of security as something you both care about and could try to tackle together.
Not quite. Answer C is best.
C models the key skills of this stage - sharing your input using I-statements and naming your shared values. It begins by recognising the other person’s valid concern about safety (“I can understand there are real challenges…”) before offering a personal reflection rooted in fairness, security, and compassion. By mentioning friends affected by the issue, it brings sincerity and emotional depth without blaming or lecturing. This approach helps you to build genuine connection with your uncle, showing where your values align and framing the issue of security as something you both care about and could try to tackle together.
Your uncle frowns and says:
“I get what you’re saying, I really do — and I’m sorry to hear your friends don’t feel safe. No one should feel that way in this country. But you have to understand why people are angry. It’s not just about a few boats — it’s about everything that comes with it. We’ve got record migration numbers, the asylum system is costing billions, and meanwhile people here can’t get housing or NHS appointments. We’re told there’s no money for services, but somehow there’s money for hotels. There’s also a sense that our values — fairness, law and order, even free speech — are eroding, and that the government isn’t being honest with us. When people see chaos at the border, it feels like a symbol of a country that’s lost control. If we don’t get a grip, the extremists on all sides will keep exploiting that anger.
There’s also a real fear that our borders aren’t secure and that we don’t actually know who’s coming in. In a world where terrorism and organised crime are real threats, people want to feel safe — and they don’t trust that the system is protecting them. On top of that, there’s a sense that British values — fairness, law and order, even free speech — are being undermined, while some political elites seem more concerned about looking compassionate than about keeping the country safe. For a lot of people, the small boats have become a symbol of a deeper problem: a government that’s lost control, and a West that’s losing confidence in itself. If we don’t get a grip soon, the extremists on all sides will keep exploiting that fear and resentment.”
What is your best response now to offer your perspective, applying LEAP IN?
Not quite. Answer B is best.
B begins with genuine empathy (“I hear you”) and shows that you’ve really understood what’s driving your uncle’s concerns — not just frustration about small boats, but deeper worries about fairness, safety, trust, and national values. It acknowledges that sense of order and security as legitimate, rather than dismissing it. This makes B a model of how to LEAP IN by staying values-based, curious, and solution-oriented.
Correct - Answer B is best.
B begins with genuine empathy (“I hear you”) and shows that you’ve really understood what’s driving your uncle’s concerns — not just frustration about small boats, but deeper worries about fairness, safety, trust, and national values. It acknowledges that sense of order and security as legitimate, rather than dismissing it. This makes B a model of how to LEAP IN by staying values-based, curious, and solution-oriented.
Not quite. Answer B is best.
B begins with genuine empathy (“I hear you”) and shows that you’ve really understood what’s driving your uncle’s concerns — not just frustration about small boats, but deeper worries about fairness, safety, trust, and national values. It acknowledges that sense of order and security as legitimate, rather than dismissing it. This makes B a model of how to LEAP IN by staying values-based, curious, and solution-oriented.
Not quite. Answer B is best.
B begins with genuine empathy (“I hear you”) and shows that you’ve really understood what’s driving your uncle’s concerns — not just frustration about small boats, but deeper worries about fairness, safety, trust, and national values. It acknowledges that sense of order and security as legitimate, rather than dismissing it. This makes B a model of how to LEAP IN by staying values-based, curious, and solution-oriented.
Give the speaker your full, undivided attention. Don’t interrupt or jump in with counter-arguments.
Acknowledge the other person’s feelings or point of view, even if you don’t agree. Say something that shows you understand how they feel.
Invite the other person to explain more. Use open-ended questions to learn what’s really on their mind.
After they speak, repeat back in your own words what you heard, to check understanding.
When it’s your turn to speak, frame your thoughts in terms of your own experience and feelings, not as a judgment on the other person.
Find and state something you both agree on. This might be a shared value, a mutual concern, or a common goal.
LEAP IN is designed to be used in a wide range of real-world situations — including when people are being blunt, defensive, or emotionally charged. The skills you’re learning here — listening, empathising, asking questions, and responding from shared values — can help keep dialogue open and respectful, even when conversations become challenging.